Its about 10:41pm as I start to type this, I spent half of my day trying to clean but kept getting distracted. I haven’t been focused at all lately. I realized its my defense mechanism. There is so much that is going on this month that has been stressing me out and I just want the month to end already. But none the less I cannot fast forward time, nor can I stop time. I wish I had the motivation to be productive. Truth is I spent most of this month planning to do something about cleaning, or goals… only to turn around and do absolutely nothing. And thinking about it now makes me so upset.
There’s about 4 and 1/2 weeks in this month. 30 days. I spent the first few days spending time with my husband. With such little time it seems these days, I do everything I can to spend time with him, to assure him that I am there for him and I care about him. And then it was that time again, for him to leave for training. I spent another couple of days sulking and crying. Because I missed him so much. Then my sleeping habits when to crap again. I spend most of my nights awake like a vampire, and I fall asleep about an hour before the sun begins to rise. I put myself under exhaustion, having to work everyday of the week at 7am only to not sleep at all the night before. One day I actually stayed up all the way through work. I don’t know what I was thinking. Actually I know I wasn’t thinking at all.
I’m not thinking straight at all. I had goals this month. To catch up, to start, and to search for new beginnings (along the lines of work) but I’ve done nothing to show for it. And now its time I will never get back.
Filed under: Day Off, life, military | Tags: 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, anniversary, marriage, now, then
September 16… Our 3 year Anniversary:)
2006- We arrived in Washington states just about an hour and a half before my wedding day. I was so happy, so scared, so excited, so nervous… I think I had about every emotion running through my brain. I remember crying because this was it, life would be different from here on in. Anita knew it too…. she’s the one that had me crying. At the end of the day all I could think about was how tired I was and how I wanted to go home and sleep lol
2007- Its all just a blur, I believe I spent the day/evening/night chatting with my husband online through messenger. At least I got to hear from him:)
2008- We spent a relaxing evening, is all I could remember, he was home and we were home from vacation, that was all that mattered. It feels so long ago ….
2009- I passed out last night from being awake for more than I should have, I ended up waking to my alarm for 9:30am but stayed in bed. I got text messages from my sister about the whole car/mom/i-don’t-want-to-go-into-detail situation. I have a headache and I’m stressed out. All I thought about this morning is how much I realized my parents haven’t done much for me that should have counted, sure being born, clothed, and fed. And I hate to sound disrespectful but I never asked for much from them in my entire life so its hurts to know the outcome of the most important things I ask for help with is always such a hassle. I’m so sick of being the one that feels as if I owe something when I don’t. How is it that, I, of all who DID NOT give them shit about drugs, alcohol, or just anything abusive/drama/disrespectful ness in my lifetime end up with all the disappointment and “baggage”? I am so sick of it. My day is not over yet, but so far its been unwell. My husband is still not around due to training and I am here……………….
to be continued.
Filed under: Day Off, life, military | Tags: Letting go Army Lessons thoughts
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.“
– Raymond Lindquist
Letting go is one of the hardest lessons in life.
In life, there’s many things that we have to learn to let go. We have to let go of situations, things, memories, people and even ourselves.
It’s easy to form an attachment to people and things. When you’ve formed an attachment to people and things, it can be a very painful experience and feeling when you realized that it’s time to let go. Even the mere thought of not having that person or thing in your life just squeezes your heart in pain.
However, there are times where you or that person has changed to the extent that it’s necessary to let go of the relationship or friendship, so that each of you can fulfill your life path.
Letting go of your past and memories are also extremely hard. Even though old memories can be tormenting, yet you might hold on to the past and refuse to move forward. However, by refusing to let go of the painful past, it’ll serve as a roadblock to love.
Letting go of your old self and the process of letting the new you emerge can be one of the scariest experiences in your life. But by leaving behind your old self and taking a leap of faith into the unknown, it might just reveal what you are truly capable of becoming.
(inspiration)
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I couldn’t have put it to better words myself. Today was a hard day for me. And this is only the beginning. I prerequisite of some sort to what event is up ahead. You would think that after a long while I would be well adapted to the military life but I am not. And for the main reason is because I do not agree with it. I do not like the fact that my husband spends more time training and working then being able to have a life and spend time with his family, friends, and of course, myself. I don’t like the face that nothing is ever set in stone until the last minute. I find myself scrambling to squeeze in such precious moments. I am not as strong as I hoped I would be. Not this time around.
I dropped my husband off early this morning, and soon he will be headed off to training.
I feel so numb.
Someone wake me up when September ends.
Of all the Fridays I have ever had off (which is pretty damn rare with my work schedule), I am bored out of my mind. I slept in for a few hours but now I am wide awake. Stuck in my thoughts that I cannot seem to spit it out. Blah I hate days when I get like this. I have too much on my mind but just don’t have the patience to focus. I wish I were more organized at home and mentally. My thoughts have been such a mess.
Where to start…
I guess for now I will go with — Work.
Work has been a pain lately. I work so hard to get where I am today with all the cross-training and I feel like I am getting pushed out. For those who don’t know, I have a great passion in Photography. Its what I do most my time (except with the past few weeks I’ve been stuck in a rut). I work in a Photo Lab. Its one of the only stores of all the store chains that still as a functional Photo Lab, I’m talking about full on 35mm developing. And I enjoy my work. I enjoy all the effort I had put into keeping the lab together. With recent new changes in Supervisors. I feel my workload on overload and not only that but I am being slowly weaved out. I’ve been there for almost 3 years, and when I started at the job, the following weeks I was trained in Photo. Of all the people who work in the lab I had been there the longest and yet, I’m getting pushed down. I am so over it….
I took the initiative and decided to move on. Even though its where I wanted to be, I talked with another supervisor to get into some other training and maybe a permanent in that area. We’ll have to see what happens… I was told I might start training for my position next week.
Filed under: Day Off, Travel | Tags: afb, bowling, daiso, federal way, japan, mcchord, washington, yen
I am so sleepy right now, its not even funny. Though somehow I am still awake. Things on my mind, go figure. Today was pretty awesome. I got to hang out with Yen for once. Her and her husband will be leaving Washington soon. It sucks like a mother lol. But thats the military life, people will come and go. I know that our friendship will remain.
We took an adventure to Daiso, a japanese import store. Our first run, directions courtesy of Google (which btw, sucked!) took us into some residential area about 2-3 exits before the actual place (which I had to pullover to the side and mapquest it on my phone.)! Three words: Google maps bite!!! We finally arrived to our destination like 30-45 min after. Oh well, was damn worth it. We made our way into The Commons Mall in Federal Way, WA. The surrounding area is just overwhelmingly great! We headed inside mainly for Daiso of course. We spent a good hour or two I think in there. Walked out with some cheap goods from Japan! And we all know I love that. We got a bite to eat before heading back to rainy town of Lakewood. Blah!
I ended up going bowling with Yen and her husband’s friends. They were pretty cool. If only some other people were as mellow. OH! and i beat her on the last game. YAY ME!!!I guess thats pretty much the day. I got lots of great shots with my digital camera and camera phone. I am gonna have to get the other photos from Yen though.
